Change
The Same Old Baloney
Two
construction workers had taken a lunch break and opened up their lunch boxes.
One of them looked inside his box and said, "Not baloney again! I can't believe
it. I hate baloney. This is the third time this week I've had baloney. I can't
stand baloney!"
The other one
said, "Why don't you just ask your wife to make you something different?"
He replied, "I
don't have a wife. I made these myself."
The fact is,
most of the baloney in our lives we put there ourselves. If we ever want life to
be any different from the same old baloney we keep serving ourselves, then we
must break out of doing the routine. (Kent Crockett, The 911 Handbook,
Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2003, 65)
Two Reasons Why People Change
Some people only change when
they are forced to do so. They're like the guy who was always in trouble with
the law. He went to confession and told the priest, "I'm changing my ways,
father."
The priest said, "Have you
finally seen the light, my son?"
"No father. I have felt the
heat."
There are 2 reasons why
people change--they either feel the heat or see the light. Feeling the heat
forces us to change. Seeing the light inspires us to change.
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Change Needs To Have A Reason
"Don't take the fence down
until you know the reason it was put up." --G. K. Chesterton
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The Consequences for Refusing to Change
From 1900 to 1967, the Swiss
were the leading watchmakers in the world. In 1967, when digital technology was
patented, the Swiss rejected it in favor of the traditional ball bearings,
gears, and mainsprings they had been using to make watches for decades.
Unfortunately, however, the world was ready for this advance, and Seiko, a
Japanese company, picked up the digital patent and became the leading watch
manufacturer in the world almost overnight.
Fifty thousand of the 67,000 Swiss watchmakers went out of business because they
refused to embrace this new technology. It was not until years later that the
Swiss caught up and regained their position in the marketplace with the creation
of Swatch watches. --from ACTS Daily Encounter
Child-Rearing
Parenting Wit & Wisdom
If it was
going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car,
and you get about the same results.
The smartest
advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string--handy to have around and easily
wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are
three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or
forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the
driveway during a snowstorm.
There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases
and his mother's age.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know
all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
--Andychaps
"The Funnies"
If We Will Get It Right, They Will Get It Right
After a boy turned in his
homework, the teacher said, "This is terrible! How can one person make so many
mistakes?"
"One didn't," the boy
answered. "My dad helped me."
Our children will do as we
teach them. If we get it wrong, they'll get it wrong.
But if we'll train them
according to God's Word, we'll get it right--and eventually they'll get it right
too. "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not
depart from it" (Prov. 22:6).
Kent Crockett's Sermon
Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
Eyes & Ears
"Don't worry that children
never listen to you. Worry that they're always watching you."--Robert Fulghum
Children
Bad Barber?
A little boy said, "I don't
want to go to Grandpa's barber because he cuts a big hole in the top of
Grandpa's head!"
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When Children Start Growing Up
"You know that your children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers." --John J. Plomp
The Real Thing
True story: Little Zeke climbed up in Grandpa's lap and stared at his wrinkles. He asked, "Are those real?"
Letter From Camp
Dear Mom &
Dad:
We are having
a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to
our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of
our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please
call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I
got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would
have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb
got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he
did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know
that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still
didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going
to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be
home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault
about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a
car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he
can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get
it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster
Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching
Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning
all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he
would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It
was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets.
He has to
spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any
trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and
I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the
leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in
prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure
figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go
now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry
about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long
has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
But, did I hear that correctly?
During a Sunday morning
service, the minister extended his arms up in the air, lifted his voice, and
piously prayed, "Oh Lord, without you we are but dust . . ."
At that moment, a little
girl's voice echoed in the church, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Christmas
The Significance of the Virgin Birth
Television interviewer Larry
King was asked if he could only interview one person in history, who would it
be.
Larry said, "Jesus Christ."
"And if you could only ask
Him one question, what would it be?"
"Were you really born of a
virgin?"
The reporter asked, "Why
would you ask that question?"
King replied, "Because that
would define history for me."
Isa 7:14 says, "Therefore
the Lord Himself will give you a sing: Behold, a virgin will be with child and
bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel" (which translated means 'God
with us.')
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
Sad but True
In an attempt to keep up
with the holiday spirit, some comical police officers posted the following sign
on a chaulkboard in plain view of those sitting behind bars at the jail: "Only
10 more shoplifting days til Christmas." --Reader's Digest, December 2003
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The Gift That Keeps On Giving
"Anyone who thinks Christmas
doesn't last all year just doesn't have a Mastercard."--Kirk Kirkpatrick
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Identity Theft
A woman told her friend,
"This past Christmas I was visited by a jolly, overweight, bearded fellow who
carried a large bag over his shoulder. My son came home from college and brought
his laundry."
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
The Evolution into Santa Claus
The Four Stages of a Man's
Life:
1. You believe in Santa
Claus
2. You don't believe in
Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
That is one big baby
Years ago, the
pastor of a church in a small town ordered a sign for their outdoor manger
scene. The sign company needed to know the dimensions and wording of the sign.
The next day a
Western Union employee was shocked to see this message come across the wire:
“For unto us a child is born. 8 feet long, 3 feet wide.”
May Christ dwell in your hearts
“Do I want to
see Christ back in ‘Christmas’? I’d rather see Christ back in Christians!”
--Pastor Tom Holladay, Saddleback Church
It is the thought that counts
A guy bought
his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. His friend said, “I thought she
wanted one of those 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he
replied. “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!”
Church
Build Your Church
Build your church to attract
God, not people.
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Used to be on fire
Some churches that used to
be on fire are now just filled with a lot of smoke.
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Eyeing the clothes
Some people go to church to
eye the clothes. Others go to church to close their eyes. --J. Vernon McGee
(Kent Crockett's Sermon
Illustrations,
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Name That Church
The church humor magazine
"The Door" facetiously announced these newly formed churches:
The Short-Term Pastor Center
Theology-Free Church
Seldom United Church
New Wife Fellowship
Church of the Perpetual
Building Program
Comfortable Pew Family
Center
Legalistic Bondage Assembly
Feelgood Fellowship
Twist-and-Shout Revival
Center
--John Green, "Newly Formed
Churches" The Door, March-April 2000, p.15
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
The Perfect Pastor
The ideal pastor preaches
exactly 20 minutes. He condemns sin, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works
from 8 AM to midnight, and also serves as the church janitor. He makes $40 a
week, wears good clothes, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years
old and has 40 years of experience. He is both tall and short, thin and
heavyset, and has one brown eye and one blue eye. He makes 15 house calls a day
and is always in his office.
If your pastor does not
measure up to these criteria, send this list to six other churches that are also
dissatisfied with their pastor. Then, bundle up your pastor and send him to the
church at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.
Surely one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke
the chain and got its old pastor back in three months.
Dead Horse
"When the horse is dead--dismount!" --Rick Warren
Don't let whiners get their way
Advice to Pastors:
"You cannot surrender the leadership of your church to whiners." --Rick Warren
Troublemakers in Church
The most trouble is produced by those who don't produce anything else. --Unknown
Blessed are the peacemakers
Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers," not "blessed are the troublemakers." --Kent Crockett www.kentcrockett.com
Definition of a Troublemaker
A troublemaker is a man who can rock the boat and persuade everybody there's a terrible storm at sea. --Unknown
The Tradition of the Cotton Ball
If you shake a
new bottle of aspirin it will sound differently than you might remember. For
nearly 100 years, the Bayer Corporation placed a white cotton clump in each
bottle until they discovered the aspirin would hold up fine without the extra
cushion.
Chris Allen,
Bayer’s vice president of technical operations, said, “We concluded there really
wasn’t any reason to keep the cotton except tradition. Besides, it’s hard to get
out.” (Leadership, Winter 2006, p.15)
If a tradition in a church isn't serving a valid purpose, it needs to be removed like the cotton in the aspirin bottle. Traditions usually consume people's time, effort, and money that can be better used to fulfill a new work that God wants to do. --Kent
Why Some People Fight Their Pastors
"If you want to make enemies, try to change something" --Woodrow Wilson
Cruise Ship or Battleship?
A church can either be a
cruise ship or a battleship. On a cruise ship, everyone expects to be waited on
and entertained. On a battleship, everyone is trained for a specific job and
works with others as a team. Is your church a cruise ship or a battleship?
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Illustrations www.kentcrockett.com
Comfort Zones
Outside of Your Comfort Zone
"God places
many of his blessings outside of our comfort zones, then asks us to come get
them." --Kent Crockett (Kent Crockett, The 911 Handbook, Peabody, MA:
Hendrickson Publishers, 2003, 67)
Like Jumping in a Swimming Pool
Whenever we
first break through a comfort zone, we will probably feel uncomfortable at
first. But not long after we make the change, we experience a new-found freedom
on the other side. Then we wonder why we didn't break through sooner.
You have
probably been to a swimming pool where people in the water are having a great
time. Someone yells, "Come on in. The water's fine."
You put your
toe in the pool, then shrink back, thinking the water is too cold. But as you
stand by yourself, you notice how much fun the people are having. So you decide
to join them and dive into the pool. For a few seconds the water is cold, but
then it quickly begins to feel refreshing. You spend the rest of the day in the
swimming pool, not even thinking about the few uncomfortable seconds when you
first jumped in.
You broke
through a comfort zone. It was uncomfortable at first, but you found freedom and
enjoyment on the other side. (Kent Crockett, The 911 Handbook, Peabody,
MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2003, 73)
Bird Cages
"God who made the birds never made bird cages.
It's men who make bird cages and after a while we become cramped and can do
nothing but chirp and stand on one leg." --Oswald Chambers